I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
