Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
