ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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