I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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