I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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