The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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