Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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