Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
