I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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