he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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