I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
