there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
It was confusing and full of hummus
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
