the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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