well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just gargled with NyQuil
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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