Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
