If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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