The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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