You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
dude i'm inner monologue high
my vag is so smooth its legendary
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
