he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I can text with my tongue
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
