i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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