I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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