Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
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Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
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i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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