I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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