I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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