At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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