she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
