He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
