I accidentally had phone sex last night
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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