you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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