Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
