I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
