I showed him my bush... on skype.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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