Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
