Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
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She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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