I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
