The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
