They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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