I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
