No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
