I could have mohawked her pubes.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
