shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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