i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
