i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
