I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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