It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
