Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
