Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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