Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
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