moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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