Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize