So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
