my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
