I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
