i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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