I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
