i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
What drink are we having for lunch?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
