i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
