if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
