He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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