Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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