careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
