either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
