I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It was confusing and full of hummus
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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