There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
