I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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